Have you ever felt like you can burn the world down?

-Every day.

I am really excited for my date today! We are going to the aquarium and he is bringing a picnic! how cute :) I'm so smitten!!! gush gush gush giggle

You were broken and I wanted to be the missing piece that fit perfectly. I wanted to be that something, that someone that would heal you. I wanted to save you. I wanted to tame you.
Loving someone so broken ended up breaking me.
There was always calm in the chaos. We resided in the eye of the storm and disaster was all around us, no, we were the disaster, and yet we were so far in it I had no idea it was happening. I loved that he was broken, that he needed something to fill him up, that he needed me to care even though he hated me because I loved him. I never knew what role I was supposed to play. He was beautiful. He used that. But I loved him all the time in spite of all the begging and crying. He ultimately shattered my heart into tiny bits. I have learned to let go of the wheel without embracing fear. Weightlessness, topsy-turvied scenery, even a silent slow motion, all this, but I relax and wait for the impact, as the pressure on my face, which is supposedly pain, finds represention in the loud numbness brought upon by the shock which graciously replaces it. "Hey, its morning." The fucking relief of another day meant the agony of completing this cycle, waiting to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that we'd made it together for one more day. I don't remember when I stopped sleeping completely. I'd lay awake the nights we weren't together thinking about the horrible possibilites of his long-awaited death. His overdose. We were together for it once. The nightmares I'd had about that night were nothing compared to its reality. He promised. He promised. He promised. A very deep part of me wanted to believe that this would change it, this would finally put out the fire in his head. I wanted this to be rock bottom, I wanted so badly for him to see the way I looked at him that night, like I'd never imagined loving anyone so completely that everything he felt became mine and I carried it with me. There were the nights we were together and I lay awake listening to the unsettling air of his breathe. He had asthma. His breath always rare and inconsitent, sometimes gasping, sometimes silent. I learned to read each breathe. I counted them. I found comfort in the seconds between each breathe, counting and counting until morning when he awoke with a smile and no idea why I looked so fucking worn down. He wore me down more than I knew was possible. And yet, he was never there with me. He just kept going. He kept using. Lying. Breathing. Sometimes I'd hold my breathe just to hear his.
You were such a waste of something beautiful.
The worst thing you ever did was let me fall in love with you and the best thing you ever did was not loving me back. I would have followed you into your life. I would never have known I was heading straight into hell. But you did, you knew. And you kept going towards it. You were willing. You were ready. And you didn't want me coming with you. I tasted your life but I got out before I couldn't. I knew that would ruin me and you knew it too. You chose to be ruined, to be defeated. I just never understood why.
I fell so madly in love with you. I don't know what is was about you that took such a hold on me. You were everything. I remember your lips, your hair, your nose, your fingertips, your voice. I remember you all the time. But I don't remember the good things anymore. I hear your stories. You just got out of jail again. Why? "Because they don't keep junkies in jail." Even though you are no longer a part of my life, you still haunt me. You are like a ghost now but what you left behind still haunts me. There is something here. I feel your presence when I don't want to. You cling to me, even still, like you always have. You creep into my thoughts and then slip away like dreams. I find it will be hard to ever forget you completely. You were my first love. To this point in my life you have been the only true love. I have never loved anyone so dangerously, recklessly, and completely as I loved you. I'm terrified to think that I never will. I know I gave you too much. For that I have no reason to be grateful. I gave you everything. You took it all. You took my god damn heart and you never gave it back. I feel like my heart is only a small portion of the size it once was. I still care immensely about people. I still love them. But I do not know how to love anyone like you. Or how to lay next to someone without counting their breaths because its my god damn habit.
It wasn't supposed to be like that. This was not how I was supposed to fall in love. You were not supposed to be a fucking junkie. You were supposed to be beautiful, and you were. But you were supposed to use it. You had so much talent, so much love. But all you ever did, every single day of your life, was to cover it all up. You are a fucking coward. You should have never let me fall in love with you without the courtesy of knowing you would not be who I thought you were. You were supposed to tell me. Everything. You were supposed to tell me you were too broken to be fixed. That you were empty and could not be filled. That I'd never know if that was happiness in your eyes, or resentment for the fact that I can't fit into a syringe. You were supposed to tell me that you'd resent me for asking you to quit. You were supposed to tell me you wouldn't ever quit. You fucking liar. You should have told me that nothing would ever feel the same after you. That I would never love like that again. That you would ruin me. Maybe if you'd told me I could have saved myself the pain of being broken like you. Maybe I could fall in love without feeling like I'm a million miles away from them when they sit right next to me. Maybe I wouldn't be so jadded. Maybe, maybe, maybe. There's no use in maybe. Because it happened like this. You happened. This is what I get for loving you.

Eeeeeeeeck I do not feel good. My stomach feels like its going to explode. I had an infection in my tooth last week that was the most unbelieveable pain that led me to go to urgent care where I was prescribed pain killers and antibiotics. The pain killers helped but made me so sick I threw up and the antibiotics have made my tummy toss, turn, gurgle and groan. It's very unpleasant.
REGARDLESS, I have one more class tonight and then I am officially on fall break. Which is absolutely fantastic because not only am I not working this entire week, but I am getting a vacation to go to Florida with my Dad to meet my long lost Grandpa. I am thrilled to have actual days off to catch up on so much school work I've been slacking on that greatly needs to be completed.
Things have definitely been changing lately, a lot. I am still interning, going to school (two more semesters!!!) and karate. Its been hard to keep up with everything but I hope I am doing my best. Miss Julita has her own practice as a therapist and basically has this meeting with me a week or two ago about how she plans on stealing me from Tom by hiring me in her office and once I get my bachelors degree she will help me with certificates I can get that will allow me to work with drug and alcohol counseling on my own! She has a plan for me which is fantastic because I never knew I could have a job or do anything with my degree without having a masters degree first. It's very exciting and I really hope it works out!

I need a nap. I went out for drinks (half a beer) with Rachel and her work friends last night and ended up getting home around two in the morning even though I have class all day starting at 9 and I will get home around 8. Boooo me. It was worth it :) 

The little prince went back to look at the roses again. "You're not at all like my rose. You're nothing at all yet. No one has tamed you, and you haven't tamed anyone... You're lovely, but you're empty. One couldn't die for you. Of course an ordinary passerby would think my rose looked just like you. But my rose all on her own, is more important than all of you together, since she's the one I've watered. Since she's the one I listened to when she complained, or when she boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing at all. Since she's my rose."

"Good-bye," said the fox. "Here is my secret. It's quite simple: one sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes. It's the time you've spent on your rose that makes her so important. You become responsible for what you've tamed. You're responsible for your rose..."

-The Little Prince

School just started again and its been pretty damn hard to get into the swing of things again. Granted it has only been one week since we all got back but still, this semester feels like its going be hard and pretty time consuming. I wanted to try to make myself feel better by seeing how close I am to graduating and then I realized I still have two semesters after this one. That's not terrible, but I just want to be done already! I just have to keep reminding myself that I am almost done. Almost almost almost! My classes this semester aren't the most exciting either. They are just to fill some upper-level requirements that I would rather have done without but oh well, such it college.
On a positive note, things with Justin are doing really well. I guess you could say they are getting... serious. That is pretty terrifying but also exciting. Interning is going good and karate is kicking ass! I love blue belt techniques, they are soooooo cool.

I'm a nerd :) 

Burn it down till the embers smoke on the ground
And start new when your heart is an empty room
With walls of the deepest blue

Home's face: how it ages when you're away
Spring blooms and you find the love that's true
But you don't know what now to do
Cause the chase is all you know
And she stopped running months ago

And all you see is where else you could be
When you're at home
And out on the street
Are so many possibilities to not be alone

The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
But you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free


Cause all you see is where else you could be, When you're at home
Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone
And all you see is where else you could be,
when you're at home,
There on the street,
are so many possibilities to not be alone

"We are both burdened and blessed by the great responsibility of free will- the power of choice. Our future is determined, in large part, by the choices we make now. We cannot always control our circumstances, but we can and do choose our response to whatever arises. Reclaiming the power of choice, we find our courage to live freely in the world.
Just as some people, have forgotten their power of choice, feel trapped in a relationship, others feel trapped by their life or by circumstances, and things have to get very painful before they find the will, the courage, and the self-respect to make new choices.
Unless you realize you have the power to say no you can never really say yes. To your relationships. To your work. To your life. To anything. You don't have to wait to make positive, empoweing changes. You don't have to go to school; you don't have to go to work; you don't have to go to war; you don't have to be married, or have children, or act as other people expect or desire.
You don't have to do anything. Just recognize that every action or inaction has consequences, and that your willingness to accept these consequences gives you the power and freedom to choose who you are, where you are, and what you will do. That's when life changes from an obligation to a blessed opportunity. That's when miracles happen."
-Dan Milman

"Everyone says that love hurts, but thats not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these things with love. But in reality, LOVE is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again."

Justin sent me this picture this morning and it made me smile all day :) 

I am attempting to research and write a paper on prison rehabilition and the amount of repeat offenders in our prisons. It's real interesting. Hopefully I can come to some sort of conclusion with this one.
I miss my brother. I need to write him. I haven't seen him or heard his voice since last March. I might go visit him sometime this year, if I'm ready.
Justin is asleep in my bed cuddling my stuffed animal owl :) Why on earth am I way over here on the computer. Haaa

I am getting so nervous for my next karate test. I will be testing for my orange belt in about three weeks and I am so excited but also really nervous. The defense techniques are much harder but I know I can do them with enough practice and confidence. The hardest part of this test is going to be sparring. Its been the hardest part of karate for me. I've never been in a fight. And the only time I have been in that situation was with my brother when he used to hit me and terrify me. I learned never to hit back because I knew he'd hurt me. Now I'm supposed to hit back and my brain tells me now to, so its such a conflict. But I know I can do it. I have to. Every time I try to spar I end up crying. Mostly because I've never hit back before and that is both empowering but scary to find that part of myself.
Its really great. Back when I first started I thought testing for my yellow belt was the hardest thing I'd ever done. And it was, at that point in my life. Now I am testing for my orange belt and I am sure that will be the hardest thing. And for all the belt tests yet to come, those will each be the hardest. Karate means more to me than just a sport, it is a martial ART. Its beautiful. It completely changed my life. I am stronger now. I am so much more than I ever thought I could be and now I know how much farther I can go.
We have a salutation that we do before and after class as well as before we perform our kata's and then once we're finished. It tells a great story with our hands and our bodies. Almost like a dance. It represents the scholar and warrior. The warrior is our right first, the scholar is our left hand that first covers the warrior, because the scholar should always come before the warrior- think before you act. Then in the time to fight, the warrior is in front of the scholar, with our thumb still showing to represent that the scholar is still present, guiding the warrior. Then we put our hands into a triangle to represent mind, body and spirit. They are all one. In the end we finish again with the scholar covering the warrior. Its beautiful. I love martial arts. As long as I have it in my life, I know I will be on the right path. It is my guide.

Also, I have a boyfriend. He is the first boyfriend I have had in over five years. Yeah, its been that long. I wasn't ready for this before. I held on to a lot of things because I was afraid to move forward for fear of what I didn't know. I still don't know, but I am no longer afraid. I am strong enough to get my heart broken again and I can surive what life has in store for me. I am a warrior.
Plus, he is a pretty amazing boyfriend. He brings me flowers and takes care of me when I'm sick and genuinely, truly cares for me. I never knew a boy could be so sensitive. I like it. I've missed out on so many things these past five years. Oh well. I'm ready now. Thats all that matters
:) 

"I have faith.
Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love and trust, healing and forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, question, pray, feel, think and learn. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit."

Thank you, thank you, thank you. The signs are right in front of us, we just have to chose to read them.